why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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