I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
