Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
