he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
