She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
