well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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