I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
