Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize