Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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