i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You're breaking my sexual little heart
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
