I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize