Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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