mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Less talking, more tequila
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
