i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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