He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
3 2 1 whiskey
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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