we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize