also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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