"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
