I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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