Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
