i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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