We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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