FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
