My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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