Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
This toilet bowl is my home.
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