so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
