Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
