his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
