Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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