Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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