is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
