I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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