So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
