He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
