I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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