My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
