I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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