I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
