how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
