i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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