im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
