my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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