i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
