grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
