My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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