Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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