Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
