By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
