The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
