If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You smell like stripper and shame
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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