I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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