I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
