I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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